this is my 4th christmas away from home.
the first one was the toughest. aside from the thought of spending christmas with people i hardly know, i was coping with a very painful break-up. if there's one difficult phase in my life, that could've been it. i was too damn hurt to feel homesick. best part of it was, there was too much hype and excitement with the millenium thingy that i was able to shift my attention. plus i succumbed to my first winter blues of having the privilege of freezing my heart and not feel anything.

amused myself i did. i no longer feel the blues. not like that first winter chill. i went on watching the season change. hopeful of better days each time.

fifteen seasons after
my heart is still in hibernation. my soul unrequited. but not lonely. i probably must've mastered the art of obduracy.... or mustered enough rejection to deny myself of dejection.

i fear the utter joy of desensitizing myself
because i am enjoying it.