another random thought.....
you know how sometimes you wait for something to happen.. or when you anticipate an event to happen and you get all so excited???? it's when you get all giddy up all inside not really knowing how you would ACT, MOVE OR FEEL? that you literally plan every single detail of that event... from the start to the end of that special day? when you work something out so special that it just gives you goosebumps?
yeah.. i was that excited! if i can compare it to my new-found life in an apartment?? i'll be buying stuff for my apartment so i wouldn't look pathetic with a drafting table as a dining table. a bedsheet for a decent slipcover.... damn! i just can't afford it at the moment and i figured it wouldn't matter if i live in a shack because it'll be perfect anyhow?
and yeah.... there's no easter bunny, no tooth fairies, nor a santa claus! what was i thinking?
but i just have this illusion that maybe everything would be REAL afterall. that maybe i can make sense out of these? that maybe i can make this real? you know... how you imagine things you can almost touch it? like... really touch it? i know it's kinda funky and weird...
and then... it would hit you! you've had enough of HIGHS AND LOWS like it's playing with your heart and soul like hell? it'll push you against the wall enough to shout you give up?
yeah.... i know i can't trust my feelings..... nor my moods. i can swear to feel passionately and strongly about one emotion and then retract it the next day... i mean...... kung sa affair of the heart..... you can not say you love someone today and not feel the same way after a week! you know, it's just utter DENIAL of what you actually feel.
but just then..... you have to stop somewhere, right? like "where" is easy to point out on a graph chart or something? duh! i've marked STOP on the x axis so many times already i vaguely remember on the frequency of it. but almost all the time i swore not to extend that graph anymore ? it's just too painful for that. and i wonder why i still draw out a longer x axis???? well... i just don't want to deal with it anymore! if it happens.. it happens. if it doesn't... what can i do? i believe i have exhausted all my energies to make things work. i believe things would have been happening now if it was meant to be. i believe i have expressed all i feel about the whole thing already. i believe circumstances and a bit of effort from way yonder that will make things happen this time.... i'm just so damn tired to reckon with this. and to force yourself to feel the other way is the hardest part of it... you know, when you need to smile in front of the audience when your heart just doesn't feel anything to smile about? or when you want to hate someone but you can't because you just plainly and simply love and adore him?? ganun!
ok... ok!! enough of this euphemism. i just wanted to rant about how i really feel. it may not make sense i know. but to someone who knows what i am talking about--- it should be quite entertaining!
you know how sometimes you wait for something to happen.. or when you anticipate an event to happen and you get all so excited???? it's when you get all giddy up all inside not really knowing how you would ACT, MOVE OR FEEL? that you literally plan every single detail of that event... from the start to the end of that special day? when you work something out so special that it just gives you goosebumps?
yeah.. i was that excited! if i can compare it to my new-found life in an apartment?? i'll be buying stuff for my apartment so i wouldn't look pathetic with a drafting table as a dining table. a bedsheet for a decent slipcover.... damn! i just can't afford it at the moment and i figured it wouldn't matter if i live in a shack because it'll be perfect anyhow?
and yeah.... there's no easter bunny, no tooth fairies, nor a santa claus! what was i thinking?
but i just have this illusion that maybe everything would be REAL afterall. that maybe i can make sense out of these? that maybe i can make this real? you know... how you imagine things you can almost touch it? like... really touch it? i know it's kinda funky and weird...
and then... it would hit you! you've had enough of HIGHS AND LOWS like it's playing with your heart and soul like hell? it'll push you against the wall enough to shout you give up?
yeah.... i know i can't trust my feelings..... nor my moods. i can swear to feel passionately and strongly about one emotion and then retract it the next day... i mean...... kung sa affair of the heart..... you can not say you love someone today and not feel the same way after a week! you know, it's just utter DENIAL of what you actually feel.
but just then..... you have to stop somewhere, right? like "where" is easy to point out on a graph chart or something? duh! i've marked STOP on the x axis so many times already i vaguely remember on the frequency of it. but almost all the time i swore not to extend that graph anymore ? it's just too painful for that. and i wonder why i still draw out a longer x axis???? well... i just don't want to deal with it anymore! if it happens.. it happens. if it doesn't... what can i do? i believe i have exhausted all my energies to make things work. i believe things would have been happening now if it was meant to be. i believe i have expressed all i feel about the whole thing already. i believe circumstances and a bit of effort from way yonder that will make things happen this time.... i'm just so damn tired to reckon with this. and to force yourself to feel the other way is the hardest part of it... you know, when you need to smile in front of the audience when your heart just doesn't feel anything to smile about? or when you want to hate someone but you can't because you just plainly and simply love and adore him?? ganun!
ok... ok!! enough of this euphemism. i just wanted to rant about how i really feel. it may not make sense i know. but to someone who knows what i am talking about--- it should be quite entertaining!
posted by Aisa at 9:47 PM
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