Just as i thought everything was going well in my life, here comes the news that i have no job anymore. Our design studio lost 2 major accounts, our bread and butter. The company was so slack and complacent with those 2 projects that the bosses were kinda easy on getting more accounts. Well.... with the economy now, admins change and they brought in their own people to do their design requirements. 3 of us got laid off... all of us on freelance projects only. As if they'll give me any more projects. the rest of the staff got huge paycuts on shorter hours. how bad can that be?
If it's any consolation, they felt really bad that they pulled me out from san francisco and made me relocate down here in LA. what's worse, i just moved 6 months ago. now, i have to move out of my place because i can't afford to pay the rent. One good thing about this is, they are retaining me in their payroll so i can keep my status legal. You see... they got me foreseeing a longterm working relationship with them. They wanted to sponsor my residency in the US so i can work there forever. That's how it was supposed to be. I liked working there because of the diversity of projects i get to work on. Forget about the other stuff i was complaining about. Personal fulfillment isn't that great there... but i can give up those stuff for a more rewarding result. Plus, they really like me there. They appreciate my talent. They appreciate what I can do for the company. They wanted me to find a freelance or temporary job until they can get new projects for them to afford me again. Thay wanted me to hang on. I can never ask for anything more from them. I really appreciate their concern for me. I am really flattered that they think highly of me despite my displeased demeanor. How else can i express my appreciation? I feel good actually just thinking about it.
And in my time of solitude and depression this past days... I discovered a lot of things about myself... and how my friends see me. I am a happy person. I am an easy person. I get along with practically everybody i meet. I think i am all jokes and bungisngis. I am a "whatever" kind of person. But i am an angsty person deep inside. I am highly opinionated. And i am secretive. I don't normally share my soul and heart to anybody. I believe that part of myself... i wanted to keep to myself. I really don't know how people perceive me. But HELL, i am a very moody person. I am loud one minute, and i am a clam the next minute. Talk about mood swings. But what i am really, really, really happy about is.... I NEVER REALIZED I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME. The minute i told them i was out of job... they were willing to take me in their homes. Some even came to my place to comfort me. Some gave me money to help me. This week alone... i got calls from people i hardly call to find out how i was. Would you believe??? Friends i talk in the internet i hardly know aside from chatting called me? These people were all over. All over the globe. Just to let me know that they were thinking of me.... and that they care for me. it's this feeling of being loved that is making me pull myself together and go on. Emails, private messages and text messages were overwhelming that i really feel good about myself. I want to think that i am not a bad person after all my angst and moodiness. I want to thank all of you. You don't know how much your messages and calls made me feel good about myself again. Probably you all know how much pride i have with my work and my job that me being out of job is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. You probably know me more than i know myself. You guys know that my work and job is all i have to make me complete. And you guys know when to hit my buttons. Virtual friends and Real friends... i tell you... you all fill my heart with goodness and joy right now.
I am 37 years old. Not in the best age to go look for a job. In the design industry... i need to keep up with the trend. I need to be hip. I need to prove myself everyday, mind you. If i can only show my portfolio and hide my age, that may probably help. I was really thinking of going back to manila and make myself useful there... you know, go join an established design studio and do corporate stuff again. When i tried surfing for possible job openings in the net.... what do i see?? 3 job openings for graphic designers states "not over 30 years old" only. what'sup with that? hehe. it's good to know na dito.... i still get to be interviewed based on my portfolio. they don't care how old you are but how one can do the the job. glad to know na experience counts.
kinda sad now kasi, i thought i don't have to move out because of my interview this morning. they really liked my portfolio. the thing is, i just have til saturday to be in this place. i told them that if they are really considering me for the job, i needed to know this afternoon so i can unpack my stuff and be normal again. they didn't call. that means... i really have to move out. now.... i am in the middle of really doing this. i hate the idea of having to be at someone's mercy.... i am too proud for that. i've never been humiliated to this extent. humiliated in a good way. my humility is being tested here. i am in some kind of a trance where everything seems to be moving so fast i can't even think. i have always been in control of my life. i have always had options that never involved having to rely on people. that's how stubborn i am, that's how arrogant i am. i hate to have people taking care of me because i have always taken cared of myself pretty well. but i have nowhere to go. i am at the edge. i am lost. now... i have to ASK FOR HELP. i have been on my own all my life without asking anybody for help. and i really hate myself for being in this situation. and without even asking... people would come to me to HELP me. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE what my friends have shown me. I am so blessed with loving people around me. I know that these people will never ask anything in return.... but i still feel awful. Maybe, it's just me. I refuse to let people in my life... and yet, i go barge in their life and they don't mind me doing so. I hate to think that "that's what friends are for"... who i can count on when things are tough for me. that's not my idea of friendship from them.... i just want to be there for them... period. maybe the way i feel now is because i am selfish. and it's sad i know. i shouldn't feel this way. masyado akong mayabang.
now that's it's really happening... i needed to have the right perspective. That such is life. That i need people. That i need others to let me know i am part of the human race, that i am one solitary creature who would need people to make it through life. That i am fooling myself to believe i can live this life alone... that i have everything under control... that i don't need help from anybody... that i needed to ask for it. i can't even fathom the idea that i am in this kind of turmoil. and someone told me... i am not yet on the streets begging... so i have to realize that what i am going through is not yet the worst a human being can be experiencing... na i haven't still tasted the bitterEST part of existence... na i should still be thankful na i have friends who loves me. he gave me that classic line: why can't you just be thankful? why can't you just say "thank you" and do what you have to do? i did say thank you so many times already... that i am down to my knees thanking God for such wonderful people in my life. I wish i can be appreciative enough.
so life goes on for me now.... still no idea where God would take me. I know that whatever lies ahead... it is still the best for me. I may not see why and what... but God has a funny way of shaping my character. And i always say to myself... thy will be done. and i will try to accept whatever that is.
If it's any consolation, they felt really bad that they pulled me out from san francisco and made me relocate down here in LA. what's worse, i just moved 6 months ago. now, i have to move out of my place because i can't afford to pay the rent. One good thing about this is, they are retaining me in their payroll so i can keep my status legal. You see... they got me foreseeing a longterm working relationship with them. They wanted to sponsor my residency in the US so i can work there forever. That's how it was supposed to be. I liked working there because of the diversity of projects i get to work on. Forget about the other stuff i was complaining about. Personal fulfillment isn't that great there... but i can give up those stuff for a more rewarding result. Plus, they really like me there. They appreciate my talent. They appreciate what I can do for the company. They wanted me to find a freelance or temporary job until they can get new projects for them to afford me again. Thay wanted me to hang on. I can never ask for anything more from them. I really appreciate their concern for me. I am really flattered that they think highly of me despite my displeased demeanor. How else can i express my appreciation? I feel good actually just thinking about it.
And in my time of solitude and depression this past days... I discovered a lot of things about myself... and how my friends see me. I am a happy person. I am an easy person. I get along with practically everybody i meet. I think i am all jokes and bungisngis. I am a "whatever" kind of person. But i am an angsty person deep inside. I am highly opinionated. And i am secretive. I don't normally share my soul and heart to anybody. I believe that part of myself... i wanted to keep to myself. I really don't know how people perceive me. But HELL, i am a very moody person. I am loud one minute, and i am a clam the next minute. Talk about mood swings. But what i am really, really, really happy about is.... I NEVER REALIZED I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME. The minute i told them i was out of job... they were willing to take me in their homes. Some even came to my place to comfort me. Some gave me money to help me. This week alone... i got calls from people i hardly call to find out how i was. Would you believe??? Friends i talk in the internet i hardly know aside from chatting called me? These people were all over. All over the globe. Just to let me know that they were thinking of me.... and that they care for me. it's this feeling of being loved that is making me pull myself together and go on. Emails, private messages and text messages were overwhelming that i really feel good about myself. I want to think that i am not a bad person after all my angst and moodiness. I want to thank all of you. You don't know how much your messages and calls made me feel good about myself again. Probably you all know how much pride i have with my work and my job that me being out of job is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. You probably know me more than i know myself. You guys know that my work and job is all i have to make me complete. And you guys know when to hit my buttons. Virtual friends and Real friends... i tell you... you all fill my heart with goodness and joy right now.
I am 37 years old. Not in the best age to go look for a job. In the design industry... i need to keep up with the trend. I need to be hip. I need to prove myself everyday, mind you. If i can only show my portfolio and hide my age, that may probably help. I was really thinking of going back to manila and make myself useful there... you know, go join an established design studio and do corporate stuff again. When i tried surfing for possible job openings in the net.... what do i see?? 3 job openings for graphic designers states "not over 30 years old" only. what'sup with that? hehe. it's good to know na dito.... i still get to be interviewed based on my portfolio. they don't care how old you are but how one can do the the job. glad to know na experience counts.
kinda sad now kasi, i thought i don't have to move out because of my interview this morning. they really liked my portfolio. the thing is, i just have til saturday to be in this place. i told them that if they are really considering me for the job, i needed to know this afternoon so i can unpack my stuff and be normal again. they didn't call. that means... i really have to move out. now.... i am in the middle of really doing this. i hate the idea of having to be at someone's mercy.... i am too proud for that. i've never been humiliated to this extent. humiliated in a good way. my humility is being tested here. i am in some kind of a trance where everything seems to be moving so fast i can't even think. i have always been in control of my life. i have always had options that never involved having to rely on people. that's how stubborn i am, that's how arrogant i am. i hate to have people taking care of me because i have always taken cared of myself pretty well. but i have nowhere to go. i am at the edge. i am lost. now... i have to ASK FOR HELP. i have been on my own all my life without asking anybody for help. and i really hate myself for being in this situation. and without even asking... people would come to me to HELP me. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE what my friends have shown me. I am so blessed with loving people around me. I know that these people will never ask anything in return.... but i still feel awful. Maybe, it's just me. I refuse to let people in my life... and yet, i go barge in their life and they don't mind me doing so. I hate to think that "that's what friends are for"... who i can count on when things are tough for me. that's not my idea of friendship from them.... i just want to be there for them... period. maybe the way i feel now is because i am selfish. and it's sad i know. i shouldn't feel this way. masyado akong mayabang.
now that's it's really happening... i needed to have the right perspective. That such is life. That i need people. That i need others to let me know i am part of the human race, that i am one solitary creature who would need people to make it through life. That i am fooling myself to believe i can live this life alone... that i have everything under control... that i don't need help from anybody... that i needed to ask for it. i can't even fathom the idea that i am in this kind of turmoil. and someone told me... i am not yet on the streets begging... so i have to realize that what i am going through is not yet the worst a human being can be experiencing... na i haven't still tasted the bitterEST part of existence... na i should still be thankful na i have friends who loves me. he gave me that classic line: why can't you just be thankful? why can't you just say "thank you" and do what you have to do? i did say thank you so many times already... that i am down to my knees thanking God for such wonderful people in my life. I wish i can be appreciative enough.
so life goes on for me now.... still no idea where God would take me. I know that whatever lies ahead... it is still the best for me. I may not see why and what... but God has a funny way of shaping my character. And i always say to myself... thy will be done. and i will try to accept whatever that is.
posted by Aisa at 7:58 PM
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