Like any given Sunday...

It was dark. Felt the chills of the coldness of this place I am not sure where. I laid still and i moved my eyes around without turning my head; hugged my body tight and realized i had the same clothes on when i last went to sleep. Pulled the blanket over my neck to protect me from the draft coming from the window. Then I heard a soft breathing behind me like that of a man and his soft movements rocked me like i was in a peaceful ocean of waves. So we are in the same bed? Where am i? Who is behind me? Am i dreaming? Is this one of those dreamscapes again? Do i know i am dreaming? I wanted to turn my head to see who is behind me but i know already who i am going to see. He's been there so many times but never as close as this. He called out my name. It was the sweetest sound i heard. I turned my head to look but only his deep shadow i see. I only managed a smile after being assured it was him. I am sure he saw me smiled at him for he pulled me closer to him, my back against him. We didn't say anything. We were both still and didn't move. I was enveloped in his big arms and his hands were clasping each other as if i was a prisoner. I do not remember how long we were in that position but I can feel his heart beat as fast as mine. His face was almost touching my neck and i can hear him breathe. Still i hugged my pillow tight not knowing what to do. I so wanted to touch his hand when it fell in front of me but all i can do is stare at it. Does he want me to touch him? Would he pull his hand away if i hold him? Why isn't he saying anything? Was he waiting for me to speak? Was he waiting for me to do the first move? I lifted my arm and grabbed his arm then hugged my pillow with his hand. Then i closed my eyes. Not wanting to wake up anymore. I can sleep forever holding his hand this way. Then i felt his arm pulling me closer to him and hugged me tighter. His face closer to me. We didn't speak. We didn't kiss. We just held each other that way for a long time. i like feeling the skin of his arm as i try to memorize each curve and muscle, his knuckles, his fingers. He didn't turn over his palm so he can hold mine. I like the way his fingers reacted when i closed my hand through his fingers, almost like he was squeezing his fingers in mine. He lifted his other arm now and held me tight... so tight i felt so safe and warm. I didn't want to break the silence nor the peace engulfed within me lest i walk out of this dream. I so wanted to say... "you know i love you, don't you?". But fear struck me. I was afraid he would let go of his arms around me and break the spell completely. I didn't want it to come from me. I know what i feel already. I do not know why he kept walking into my dreams and say nothing. This was the closest he came to me in my dreams and i hate to know i am dreaming again. My eyes were still closed thinking what he wants from me. Then i felt hot... sweating almost. Why is it so hot? I opened my eyes. The sun smiling at me as his rays warmed my room like any given sunday.

excerpt from aisa's nocturnal journal, 10.24.04