ok, i did it again. hit the curb doing a u-wee (u-turn) thinking of this insignificant significant. i think i destroyed my front spoiler. arrghhh. wonder why i think of him all the time.

so, anyway.. now that things are kinda good... i am also kinda calm already. for a while there i panicked. not sure what made me panic more, the thought i have no job or the fact that i will not have internet access. i know the job part is temporal because i can always go back home and find a "whatever" job back home. but the thought of losing the internet made me do the stupidest thing. for one, i prematurely announced the utter closure of alimasag after learning that nobody wants to takeover from the higher ups, and that i didn't give the mods enough time to react. second, i gave all my realms in ambar thinking i can never have access in 5 days... i was literally drunk the whole 2 weeks every night. i didn't want to think straight anymore. + i literally said so many stupid things to someone i really feel i can go deep in thoughts with... but but but..... i am also glad that happened because i discovered i was not deep enough for him and he doesn't feel the same way and he didn't want to lead me into something other than friendship (he thinks i want something more than friendship). it is sad, still, because i thought i found someone who has the same level i have about friendship and life.... maybe he misread me or whatever.... *sigh* and i ruined it even more by talking to him drunk. but i wish he can be comfortable talking to me again. thought there was some connection somewhere... but he doesn't know what i am talking about. for some reason, he changed. he is not the usual enthusiastic person i knew. or maybe, he was looking for something else. i don't know. maybe he's not into pursuing any other friendships other than romantic ones. i don't know. maybe. maybe. i may not know anymore. i haven't even started talking about life and stuff yet. sayang... thought i can talk about life and non-trivial things which make or break us. sayang, whatever he says makes sense to me pa naman... not all... but he can really talk me out into some stuff. oh well.... i think i like him more than he likes me. now, i really don't know what the word "like" means anymore.

so, n told me he loves me and that he thinks of me.... what do i do now? he doesn't care what i feel and think. maybe he does... but he doesn't do anything about it... or even try. i don't even want to think about him. makes me feel sick to the stomach that i even loved him that much.

still cool now. but i am lazy as hell. :D