Not much has changed since i last blogged. Work still suck! Bored to death although i have so many things to do. Hmm.... so what's been happening to me?
1. I am seeing j again. I see him once a week. I know. I know. I know i said i'll never see him again. But what the heck. It's kinda strange what we have now. We're not a couple... but we're seeing each other exclusively. No strings attached. I am not sure why i bother with him pa knowing there's really no future for us. Probably because there is also nobody to go out with. J and i like the same things. (For one, we both smoke) We're both lazy to go OUT. We would rather stay home and hangout and watch tv or dvd... listen to music. Saturday, he was at my place to download his music so he can burn themto an audio disc. He wanted to help me clean my place but didn't want to bother him with that. To be honest, spending time with him didn't give me any joy at all nor do i get any benefit from him being there. I mean, i can't get him to talk about other stuff but ahmmm..... hmmm *thinks* what do we talk about? None! We just hang out. We just joke around. It would probably be different if there was some kind of connection between us. Unfortunately.. there's nothing. He's just there. Now that i heeded the proddings of my friends to go give him another chance, i don't think anything significant happened to me. Maybe if i force myself to really like him.... maybe! Aarrghh! i knew it's an empty thing anyways. Oh well.... i did try.
2. My h1-b visa for e&b got approved already. now it's c-me's turn. my new lawyer filed my papers this morning. and i paid for the premium processing fee already. although i still think there's really nothinig here for me in the US. i don't want to think coming here was a mistake because i learned so much from this adventure. i was hoping there was something GOOD for me here without forcing it. And really... everyday i ask myself why i am still here. And everytime... it's like someone is asking me, "what is it you want to happen?", "what is this "good" you are looking for?" When i came here, i didn't know why.. all i knew was.. i needed to leave Manila.. i needed to get out! i felt that i was being sucked into a vacuum each second while i still have my breathe.
3. On a happy note: what keeps me going is this "thought" in my head and heart. I know there is this "someone" out there for me who will spend the rest of his life with me. I know he's just there. You know.. that person who can be part of my whole being and me in him. I am not totally giving up on love yet... maybe, me trying really "hard" to have my perfect dream man sounds stupid- but i think i deserve that now. I waited for so long.
4. Contemplating if i should move in with a female friend i used to work and room with in san francisco (and her male friend) to an apartment or remain in solitary confinement. I really LOVE my solitary life. Nobody to think about... nobody to try to be nice to... nobody to avoid if i am not in that "smiling" mood... i am VERY moody. But on the other hand... maybe this will CURE my spending too much time in ambar. This will also bring me back to regular eating since she promised she'd cook for me. This will also mean i don't have to drive just to do laundry. This will also mean i will have "drinking buddies" again. (I don't have to drink alone now!) There'll be REAL people i can share my jokes with again... watch movies and tv shows. This means i have to be friends with their friends. This means i have to be NICE again for the sake of civility. This means i will have a normal life again.
5. Why did i say i will be cured from ambar? That doesn't sound promising... and not a pleasant thought at all. I will think about that a bit more. :D I am not sure i am ready to give up ambar yet.
6. I spent the whole afternoon playing ambar, chatting with my mates, writing an entry here and spacing out AT WORK! Darn it!
1. I am seeing j again. I see him once a week. I know. I know. I know i said i'll never see him again. But what the heck. It's kinda strange what we have now. We're not a couple... but we're seeing each other exclusively. No strings attached. I am not sure why i bother with him pa knowing there's really no future for us. Probably because there is also nobody to go out with. J and i like the same things. (For one, we both smoke) We're both lazy to go OUT. We would rather stay home and hangout and watch tv or dvd... listen to music. Saturday, he was at my place to download his music so he can burn themto an audio disc. He wanted to help me clean my place but didn't want to bother him with that. To be honest, spending time with him didn't give me any joy at all nor do i get any benefit from him being there. I mean, i can't get him to talk about other stuff but ahmmm..... hmmm *thinks* what do we talk about? None! We just hang out. We just joke around. It would probably be different if there was some kind of connection between us. Unfortunately.. there's nothing. He's just there. Now that i heeded the proddings of my friends to go give him another chance, i don't think anything significant happened to me. Maybe if i force myself to really like him.... maybe! Aarrghh! i knew it's an empty thing anyways. Oh well.... i did try.
2. My h1-b visa for e&b got approved already. now it's c-me's turn. my new lawyer filed my papers this morning. and i paid for the premium processing fee already. although i still think there's really nothinig here for me in the US. i don't want to think coming here was a mistake because i learned so much from this adventure. i was hoping there was something GOOD for me here without forcing it. And really... everyday i ask myself why i am still here. And everytime... it's like someone is asking me, "what is it you want to happen?", "what is this "good" you are looking for?" When i came here, i didn't know why.. all i knew was.. i needed to leave Manila.. i needed to get out! i felt that i was being sucked into a vacuum each second while i still have my breathe.
3. On a happy note: what keeps me going is this "thought" in my head and heart. I know there is this "someone" out there for me who will spend the rest of his life with me. I know he's just there. You know.. that person who can be part of my whole being and me in him. I am not totally giving up on love yet... maybe, me trying really "hard" to have my perfect dream man sounds stupid- but i think i deserve that now. I waited for so long.
4. Contemplating if i should move in with a female friend i used to work and room with in san francisco (and her male friend) to an apartment or remain in solitary confinement. I really LOVE my solitary life. Nobody to think about... nobody to try to be nice to... nobody to avoid if i am not in that "smiling" mood... i am VERY moody. But on the other hand... maybe this will CURE my spending too much time in ambar. This will also bring me back to regular eating since she promised she'd cook for me. This will also mean i don't have to drive just to do laundry. This will also mean i will have "drinking buddies" again. (I don't have to drink alone now!) There'll be REAL people i can share my jokes with again... watch movies and tv shows. This means i have to be friends with their friends. This means i have to be NICE again for the sake of civility. This means i will have a normal life again.
5. Why did i say i will be cured from ambar? That doesn't sound promising... and not a pleasant thought at all. I will think about that a bit more. :D I am not sure i am ready to give up ambar yet.
6. I spent the whole afternoon playing ambar, chatting with my mates, writing an entry here and spacing out AT WORK! Darn it!
posted by Aisa at 12:15 PM
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